Is Suicide Justified?

Justified is an interesting word. In the realm of living it seems very applicable. We want to go about our dealings in this world having reasonable qualifications for the choices we make. Suicide seems so very unjustified doesn't it? I mean, sitting in my living room or you sitting in yours, calculating our current state of affairs, we have a little trouble calculating this equation into our lives. We can't help but not apply it to ourselves in a personal way and react emotionally, accordingly, and justifiably.

I am 34 years old and can't really relate to the choice of death. The one thing I can do is imagine how it can be justified, regardless of any strong upsurging of personal religion or spiritual belief, and how it can stand to be a viable choice.

You have to be able to entertain the choice to even attempt to answer the question of justification.

There is nothing rational about choosing to die, or is there? My grandmother died in a great deal of pain. She had arthritis at least for 30 years. Her caretaker and steadfast companion died many years ago. Before that, most of her close friends had passed for one reason or another. Her husband died 40 years ago. She never remarried, raising 7 children as a single mother alone. She lived on an island, relatively isolated from her 4 daughters who had long since moved away to pursue lives of their own and who rarely visited.

I remember the last ten years of her life, on the few occasions that I went to visit her, she had these incredible shakes. Her hands wouldn't stop moving, her legs twitched, and her eyelids fluttered uncontrollably. This was her every day. Her reality.

She was so happy to see people, but her days were mostly spent alone to her thoughts and feelings. I could never truly understand the emotional and physical pain she navigated through on a daily basis. As a kid I could never quite put my finger on the feeling she evoked when I came around to see her. She was waiting to die, and that's how I have come to resolve my own feelings now. I was spending time with someone who was waiting.

So I say justification is selfish in itself. As selfish as many people see the act of suicide, it's supremely more selfish to think that those who choose death need to justify it to us among the living in some way.

Even so, we must answer this question and if you've read this far I think you know how I feel about it. Who are we? We are clearly not them. Nor will we ever be.

Yosemite

So I spent 10 days in Yosemite, doing the climber version of riding all the kiddie rides. Climbing in Yosemite Valley is tough, and I guess that's why people from all over the world go there to test themselves. We got there the first day and realized we weren't going to be doing the NIAD (Nose In A Day) any time soon.

It didn't take us long, but we found some 'easy stuff'. Then we stayed on the easy stuff the entire trip. I'm not going to be hard on myself. I'm not some college student who can get away with climbing 24/7. I'm married, I have a full time job (yes, I contribute taxes slackers!), and I co-founded a non-profit which takes up all the time in between.

But I stubbornly hold onto the climbing lifestyle for a reason. Some people meditate. Some do yoga. Me, I climb. It's a selfish passion, in it's own way. It gets in you though. It makes me who I am. It also makes me a better person to others. Anyhow, i'll elaborate more on my climbing philosophy.

Ten days of tenting it at Camp 4 isn't a picnic. The pine fresh smell of the local trees can easily be overshadowed by the stench emanating from the infamous feet fungi of my climbing partner, who will go nameless for now.

We got alot of great and exciting climbing in for 10 days, and I plan on making Yosemite a yearly destination because I WILL be climbing those big walls with the big boys someday in the near future. The only way to do that is to throw myself into the fire annually.

Course next time i'll bring my beautiful wife in tow. It'll be like a first honeymoon!

Arthritis Is For Old People...like me.

You know how they say we are getting younger and younger? Our athletes are staying competitive longer. Older baseball players, older basketball players, some ancient Olympians in China this past month. The UFC heavyweight champion of the world is Randy Couture. He's 45 years old, and in a sport where guys bash each others brains in.

If these guys can do it then why the hell do I feel like i'm 34 going on 65, with the senior discount pending?? I feel old. My body feels run down. Granted, I keep a pretty active schedule. I guess you can say I pound my body well enough. I just never expected to feel my age.

Ten years ago any and all kinds of pain were temporary. Now I have what's known as 'permanent' pain. The kind that doesn't go away.

It started about 6 years ago when my physical therapist told me that my shoulder condition was chronic and I would just have to learn to manage with it.

I wasn't about to give up rock climbing, so 'managing' was the alternative. In the process of managing my pain, I added more. Last year I fell while climbing and broke my left ankle. Then I had to hike almost 5 miles back to the car on it. (yeah that's me hiking under duress above)

Now I have carpal on my right hand. I have alternating pain between my left index finger and thumb. In the spirit of full disclosure I did come back from 10 days of rock climbing in Yosemite Valley.

It just aggravates me though.

I got an x-ray on my right foot because everytime I went into the mountains I felt an urge to chop off my painful big toes. The doc told me I have osteoarthritis. That's something you tell old people! Not me.

Pain used to go away. Rarely did I ever take tylenol or aspirin. I just road out the pain, it went away. bye bye. Now i'm popping those babies like tic tacs.

I guess i'm just not ready to feel old. I had it coming to me, abusing my body like a rental car with the optional insurance.

You know what I resent about carpal tunnel? I picked it up working at a job I hate. Well, I download too much music and like to tinker with photoshop for hours on end. But I blame it on the stinking job! I'm working right now if that tells you anything.

Anyways, not to sound so unsexy, but I am in pain. Bitch. Whine. Bitch.